Grief Series: Grieving Together

spinsight Counseling, Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology ,
One of the most common ways to grieve is to practice self-compassion

Most Common Ways to Grieve

Grieve. It is a simple word packed with a complex and highly volatile set of emotions, behaviors and even cultural tendencies. There is no #1 or best way to grieve. As we've already discussed in this series on Grief Support, people grieve in very, very different ways and vastly individualized timetables. This is a list of twenty of the most common ways that I have seen and discussed with clients in my practice when dealing with grief. Since there isn't a single right way to grieve or cadence to follow, I've listed these alphabetically and it certainly doesn't constitute a complete list of ways to grieve.

Accept Your Emotions

Acknowledging and accepting your emotions is a vital step in the grieving process. Research by the American Psychological Association (APA) highlights that embracing emotions contributes to long-term psychological well-being. The study showed, "acceptance helps keep individuals from reacting to – and thus exacerbating – their negative mental experiences. Over time, experiencing lower negative emotion should promote psychological health." Authentically grieving involves allowing the full spectrum of emotions and emphasizes the importance of expressing grief openly, contributing to adaptive coping mechanisms. This is another reason why sending and receiving texts, messages and cards from friends and loved ones dealing with grief is so important.

Be Kind to Yourself

Self-compassion is key during grief. Research from the Journal of Positive Psychology indicates that individuals who practice self-kindness experience lower levels of stress and depression during the grieving process. This is so important - give yourself the space and freedom to grieve. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the study of self-compassion defines this practice as "being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, non-judgmental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience."

Be Patient

Grief doesn't follow a timetable or a consistent path to healing, and being patient with the process is crucial. The British Journal of Psychiatry notes that patience with oneself correlates with a more positive long-term adjustment to loss.

Eat Well

This might sound obvious, but maintaining a healthy diet supports physical and emotional health during grief. When we grieve, sometimes the most basic of habits and needs are put on the back burner while we focus on our grief. Research in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine suggests a correlation between nutrition and improved mood, helping individuals navigate the grieving process. For those providing grief support, this is another benefit for offering to prepare meals for families dealing with grief.

Exercise

Regular exercise has been linked to reduced symptoms of grief-related depression. The British Journal of Sports Medicine reports that physical activity positively influences mental health, promoting resilience in the face of loss. The 2019 study showed that physical activity reduced feelings of depression, anxiety and the experience of PTSD. Exercise also created a sense of freedom, enabling the expression of emotions, providing a distraction, and an escape from grief.

Journaling

Putting pen to paper can aid in processing emotions. The U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs cites studies showing that "writing about emotionally difficult events or feelings for just 20 minutes at a time over four consecutive days was associated with both short-term increases in physiological arousal and long-term decreases in health problems." Journaling is hugely popular in many avenues of therapy and counseling, but the related positive health affects during grieving are undeniable.

Reach Out to Others

Seeking support from friends and family is vital. The Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology reports that strong social connections are associated with better mental health outcomes in the face of grief and bereavement.

Sleep Well

Quality sleep is crucial for emotional regulation during grief. The journal Sleep emphasizes the bi-directional relationship between sleep quality and mental health, highlighting the importance of prioritizing rest. This works in the reverse too, according to a University of Arizona study. Those who have persistent trouble sleeping before grief, may have an especially difficult grieving process after the death of a loved one. Either way it underscores the need to focus on quality sleep as you grieve.

Understand Grief Affects Everybody Differently

Recognizing the universality of grief fosters empathy and connection. The Harvard Review of Psychiatry emphasizes that understanding the shared nature of grief reduces feelings of isolation and facilitates healthy coping. It's also about understanding the stages of grief and their interconnected impacts across everyone that is affected by a loss. But remember, the stages of grief aren’t linear and may not happen in the same order as the textbook indicates. Those stages are not a map but they provide some scaffolding for how the overall process happens.

Navigating grief is a unique journey for each individual. By incorporating these evidence-based strategies, individuals can find meaningful ways to cope, fostering resilience and promoting a healthier adaptation to loss. Remember, seeking professional guidance and connecting with supportive communities are integral aspects of the healing process.

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

As mentioned in the post about "What You Should Look For in a Grief Therapist" I talk with clients about the stages of grief. Helping a client to identify which stage of grief they are currently in, and working toward acceptance is important.  Those dealing with significant grief can find it hard to get out of bed, much less think about eating and exercise. However, taking a walk outside, eating with a friend, and focusing on your own physical health can be just as important as your mental health. For those supporting someone in grief, sometimes just sitting with them and saying, “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you and wanted to be here to support you” can be helpful. Asking for help can be particularly difficult for individuals, so it is best to let them know we are there to love and support them.

#GriefCounseling #GriefTherapyWorks #CopingWithLoss #GriefSupport

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

Grief Series: Messages of Support

spinsight Counseling, Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology ,
grief support can be in person, with a hand-written card or a text message, DM or snap. Grief therapy at The Life Change Group.

Messages to Send for Grief Support

Grief Support from a Distance

Grief support is a tricky subject because every instance is different and there really isn't a guidebook on how to grieve or even how to be a friend to someone who is grieving. Lisa Pahl, a Los Angeles-based hospice and end-of-life social worker, agrees. "Grief is very individualized, and many people don't necessarily go through stages and graduate out of it". Many times, we are supporting those who don't live near us or are difficult to meet face-to-face. In those instances, there are several ways to be supportive. With our increasingly digital world, one of those is messaging. Some people text, others DM or Snap. Whatever your platform of choice, messaging doesn't have to be impersonal. With the fluidity of instant messaging these days, it can be a very effective way to stay in touch and support friends and family dealing with grief. If you can't be there in person, I still think a personal, hand-written card is always the better option, if possible.

Grieving Fluctuations

Depending on the specific situation - the death of a family member, sickness, job loss, financial hardship or whatever - the key message to a grieving friend is not only what you say, but how often you say it. People dealing with grief are very rarely ever on a straight line to recovery. George Bonanno, a psychologist at Columbia University, notes that it's natural to switch between moments of sadness and grieving, and moments of acceptance and joy. “People who cope well with loss usually move in and out of those states. It’s OK to allow yourself to be distracted and entertained, and even to laugh.”

How to Create a Good Grief Support Message

There are a few do's and don'ts when messaging to support a friend or loved one dealing with grief. Given that, we're going to approach this using a "not this…but that" framework so we can understand the better ways to handling texting in these difficult situations. The idea came to me when reading this wonderful article on the same topic from the "Homesteaders Blog".

"Let Me Know if I Can Help"

This is another popular response that can be perceived as a kind of throw-away line. The better response would be to offer help with a specific task or just assume that it's alright to do something and confirm which day would be best to help. Something like "I'm making you dinner one day this week, would Tuesday or Wednesday be better?" This takes the guilt away from the person accepting help. It politely enforces that you're going to do something without a hollow promise that might happen. It also allows the person grieving to focus on dealing with his or her grief while you just take care of that proposed task. Following up with a simple "I'm coming by" can be a massive gesture.

"Everything Happens for a Reason"

Ugh. I'm not a fan of this one for a number of reasons. Depending on the specific situation, this could be downright insensitive. At best this text is more about making the sender feel better than the person dealing with the grief. I love the suggestion from the Homesteaders blog - "Sometimes we don’t know why things happen the way they do, but rest assured that the right people are brought into your life at the right time, and I’m here for you when you need me.” This is a more friendly way to reassure the person that you're going to be there. Its also shows empathy in that you too are unsure about the why of the circumstances, but you're there whenever he or she is ready.

"Just Give it Time"

While this generally holds to be true eventually, this a very sympathetic response that doesn't provide a lot of solace, empathy or compassion. It could open you up to making matters worse if you don't have the complete details about the grief. The authors at Empathy.com have a great alternative if the situation involves a death or losing a loved one. "I feel honored to have known ______." In this instance, this is a great text especially when followed up with a quick story about the impact that the person made on your life. Ask for a good time to come by and talk about stories or share memories of that person or the situation everyone is dealing with. Show compassion and empathize with the grieving person and their family.

Grief is a difficult period of life that everyone faces. The key is to lean in and be very intentional in your messages, follow up calls and other ways you connect. The important part is to reach out and show support instead of just the lip service or quick post comment.

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

There are a lot similar text messages that we can send our friends and family when they are grieving. The key is to demonstrate empathy and caring in whatever you say.  I had a friend that used do a lot of hospital visits for sick and ailing community members. I asked him, "you see dozens of families every week - how to know the right thing to say?" This was before texting became so commonplace, but I think the advice still holds true today. He said the key is to "show up and shut up". You don't need to necessarily say anything. Just the act of reaching out and reassuring them that you're there will mean more that whatever eloquent message - text, snap, DM or otherwise - you could deliver.

#GriefSupport #BestTextMessages #ShowUpAndShutUp

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

Grief Series: Grief Therapists

spinsight Counseling, Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology ,
A good grief therapist uses specialized techniques that help people with abnormal and/or complicated and prolonged grief reactions

What to Look For in a Grief Therapist

Grief Counselor or Therapist?

Grief Therapist or Grief Counselor - for some people there is a big difference. Famed psychological clinician and research William J. Worden wrote an entire essay in 1991 on the difference. Basically he believes that grief counselors help people work through uncomplicated and more typical grief processes within a reasonable time frame. However, grief therapy uses specialized techniques that help people with abnormal and/or complicated and prolonged grief reactions. For the purposes of this discussion, we're going to use them more interchangeably.

How Grief Therapy Works

The semantic differences withstanding, both titles indicate that your counselor or therapist has specific training in helping clients process the loss of a loved one, as well as leading clients through emotions such as sadness, anger, stress, and a sense of despair. Grief is a unique and personal journey, and seeking support is a courageous step towards healing. As a licensed psychologist, I want to shed light on how this process works and offer insights into finding the right path to healing.

How does a Grief Therapist help someone deal with grief?

The most important aspect of selecting a grief counselor or a grief therapist (again, I'll use those terms interchangeably) is that he or she has requisite experience to work through your particular grief as a therapist or counselor first. A skilled therapist provides a safe space for expression, using evidence-based techniques to guide individuals through the grieving process. From active listening to tailored coping strategies, therapists play a crucial role in fostering emotional well-being.

What kind of therapy is better for grief?

Research suggests that approaches like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are effective. Interpersonal Therapy, Traumatic Grief Therapy and Complicated Grief Therapy are also used. These therapies focus on thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, providing a holistic approach to healing. It is important to remember that there is no one or best therapeutic approach.

What is the antidote to grief?

While there's no magic cure, the antidote often lies in compassionate support, self-care, and the passage of time. A skilled therapist can guide you towards resilience and a renewed sense of purpose. Counselors at Bradley University put it best, "Grief can be present in a range of situations and can produce a wide variety of behaviors and emotions. For instance, while often typified by intense sadness, expressions of grief may also come in the form of guilt, rage, or confused relief."

What makes a good grief therapist?

Empathy, experience, and a deep understanding of the grieving process are key. A good grief therapist provides a non-judgmental space, helping clients navigate their unique journey at their own pace. The primary goal is not to erase the pain, but rather to support individuals in finding ways to integrate their loss into their lives, fostering adaptation and growth.

When should you seek out a grief counselor?

Consider seeking help if the pain of loss feels overwhelming, affecting your daily life and well-being. Grief counseling is beneficial at any stage of the grieving process. According to WebMD, grief symptoms can include:

  • Intense sadness and emotional pain
  • Feeling empty and hopeless
  • Yearning to be reunited with your loved one
  • Constantly thinking about the deceased person or how they died
  • Difficulty engaging in happy memories of the lost person
  • Avoiding anything that reminds you of the loved one
  • A reduced sense of identity
  • Detachment and isolation from friends and family
  • Lack of desire to make plans or have interests

Grief is a journey, not a destination. If you or someone you know is navigating loss, my team and I are here to offer support.

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

Grief is typically a portion of all types of therapy.  There are so many types of grief and loss. Not being able to do certain things, not having the relationship you desire, and not having support from others are all examples of grief. However, losing a friend or loved one can be a more difficult grief to process.  I often talk with clients about the original five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) which were developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. These were modified and expanded to add two additional stages: shock and testing. These stages are not linear, and can be cycled through in different orders. In my experience, helping clients identify and understand these various stages of grief, and using the counseling technique which helps them to process their emotions while providing coping has been most effective. 

#GriefCounseling #GriefTherapyWorks #MentalHealthMatters #CopingWithLoss #GriefSupport #YouAreNotAlone

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

Can Kissing Save Your Relationship?

spinsight Couples Therapy, Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology , ,
Marriage Counseling Series at The Life Change Group, written by Dr. Pam Wright, mental health expert. How can kissing save your relationship

What's in a Kiss?

Today we're talking about one of the most popular topics I get in marriage counseling and couples therapy. Believe it or not, it's kissing. The simple act of locking lips seems to have everyone just head over heels with questions. What's the best way? What does it mean if he/she doesn't anymore? And my favorite recently "can kissing my partner more save my marriage?" It's a fair question. After all, the practice of kissing has been around for a LONG time. There are reports of kissing from as far back as ancient Mesopotamia and Egypt in 2500 BCE. Since then, oral hygiene, Hallmark Channel and entire days and traditions devoted to kissing (think Valentines Day, New Year's, and even Kiss a Ginger Day) have all helped to propel this common human activity into popularity. It's estimated that about 90 percent of cultures practice kissing in one way or another.

Does Kissing Improve Relationships?

Biologically speaking there are a lot of benefits to kissing in relationships. Scientists note that kissing causes our brain to release a potent chemical cocktail stocked full of dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. The combination of these three chemicals work by lighting up the 'pleasure centers' in our brain. Further, the effect of dilated blood vessels and increased blood flow can help relieve headaches and cramps. This is what I tell my couples in marriage counseling, after a long day, when both of your are exhausted and stressed out, there is perhaps no better way to treat your brain and your relationship, than kissing your significant other.

Mentally speaking, kissing is right at the top of the list in terms of easy ways for couples to connect and reconnect. Not to sound too clinical, but it's a low-risk endeavor with positive, high-yield result in terms of intimacy and connectedness. Research from the APA suggests that kissing has a positive impact on relationship satisfaction. Other studies show that couples who continue to kiss regularly tend to have longer and more fulfilled marriages. A German psychologist even showed that men who kiss their partners before going to work "earned 20 to 35 percent more money and used less sick time than their peers who left with no goodbye kiss."

Can Kissing Fix a Bad Relationship?

But can kissing fix a broken relationship or even one that's on the brink? The short answer is "it depends". Males and females view kissing differently (shocker, I know) but the effects of kissing differs still based on the type of relationship and what personality types the couples represent. It quite a complicated question because there are so many variables. What is clear is that more frequent kissing in a relationship was linked to the quality of a relationship - happy couples kiss more. So it goes to reason that if you want to fix a bad relationship, in addition to all the other issues you and your partner might need to work on, kissing is a great place to focus on (re)connecting. From my experience in relationship and marriage counseling, kissing is more than just a romantic gesture - it's a relationship booster.

Final Thoughts, From Dr. Pam Wright

Next we need to talk about sex and intimacy…I know that’s a major topic in couples therapy. But I’m always shocked when I ask clients when they last kissed their partner. It’s like the brain is ticking back to years ago…kidding… but I’ve been thinking of how important a kiss can be.  Kissing your partner not only helps your relationship, but models for your children and others a healthy relationship. I’m not advocating to go all PDA at a store, but greeting your partner with a kiss in the morning or after a long day may have multiple benefits…go get that Dopamine, Oxytocin, and Serotonin. And plant one on your kid’s forehead, or your furry children while you are at it!

#KissAndThrived #RelationshipGoals

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

What’s the best thing to say after an argument with your partner?

spinsight Couples Therapy, Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology ,
Marriage Counseling Series at The Life Change Group, written by Dr. Pam Wright, mental health expert. What are the best things to say after an argument with your partner

What to Say After an Argument

Couples counseling is filled with disagreements and sometimes even heated exchanges. And this is the purpose of the therapy. It's a controlled environment where both partners have an opportunity to communicate out in the open and are urged and guided to listen to each other. But what happens back at home? After the next argument has ended, what should you say to your partner to help repair the relationship? I was thinking about this topic and found this lovely article on Fatherly.com, a online parenting site to "empower men to raise great kids and lead more fulfilling adult lives" (so their masthead claims). It's a great article and I wanted to comment on my 3 favorite things you should say to your partner after an argument.

In no particular order:

#1: Let Me Know What You Need Right Now

I love this phrase for several reasons. First "let me know" is an earnest plea to keep the lines of communication open. It signals that you are still invested in the relationship. Then the phrase "what you" underscores that your focus is on your partner and not your own self-interests. That last part "need right now" brings it all together because it defines the immediacy of the situation and again reinforces the commitment to being present in the moment.

In my couples counseling I've often used the 3C's - closeness, communication and commitment - as a framework for couples to use when working on their relationship and intimacy. This phrase nails all three of those. The "let me know" tackles the communication, the "what you" highlights the closeness, and the "need right now" speaks to committed action. All together, this is one of my favorite phrases to say or text to your partner after an argument.

#2: That Was Awful. I'm Sorry. I Let the Moment Get the Better of Me

Wow - this is another great way to respond after an argument or better yet on a pause or break during an ongoing disagreement. This phrase is stock full of empathy, apology and self-directed reflection and admission. Together this might be one of the most powerful ways to start the relationship repair process. Now with all of these, they need to be communicated with sincerity and the right tone. But in terms of structure, this one has all the right elements.

"That was awful" not only builds a bridge but it's also an attempt find common ground and understanding. Sometimes, if you and your partner can at least agree on how bad things got...that's a start. You physically can agree on something. Follow that up with the gold standard of apologetic keywords "I'm Sorry" and you're well on your way to mending your familial fence, so to speak. It's hard to go wrong with I'm sorry when you're talking about about couples counseling. It's rarely the easiest thing to say in the heat of the moment, but it's a go-to for post-argument phrases. And the last part, when delivered correctly "I let the moment get the better of me" has the potential to explain the situation without trying to blame your partner or reduce the significance of the situation. All together, pound-for-pound, this phrase is a top contender.

#3: It Makes Me Sad When We Can't Communicate

The last of my favorite selections from the Fatherly.com article is this one because it employs the "I feel" statement and then couples that with a specific example. In my couples counseling sessions I've seen the first part "it makes me sad" paired with a variety of other phrases depending on the specific argument or contributing factors. When we don't see eye-to-eye, when we yell at each, when we don't listen, when we mock each other, etc. All of these will work wonders in helping to put the relationship back on track because we're dealing with the emotions in a productive and personalized way. We're not making broad, sweeping statements. We're not polarizing or using absolutes.

But I really like this specific ending-phrase "when we can't communicate" because of word communicate. As a former news reporter we learned that communication is a two-way process of sending and receiving messages. There's a sender and a receiver, and the message must travel from the sender where it's encoded and delivered to the receiver where the message is decoded. Effective communication only happens when there is a successful encoding, transmission and decoding of the message. The practice of couples counseling is really about how to make communication work admist all the ways that life and emotions can mess up that flow.

Honorable Mention: [Insert private joke here]

I couldn't leave this last one off the list because I feel it is so important in a relationship - humor. We're not all Kevin Hart or Carol Burnett, but sharing a joke or funny moment between two people can work in so many great ways. However, please head this warning - negative humor aimed at your partner will not work. The humor must come from a good place. As long as you both think it's funny, inside jokes and asides can de-escalate a situation faster than just about any other method. It can remind both partners of why you got together in the first place and the simple joys that once were. A simple laugh can move mountains.

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

Regardless of what approach you chose, TAKE AN APPROACH. Make an apology if you are in the wrong. Make an apology even if you weren’t in the wrong but your words were hurtful. And above all, make your apology sincere. There is nothing worse than being on the receiving end of an insincere apology.

 

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

Why Do Couples Yell?

spinsight Counseling, Couples Therapy, Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology
Marriage Counseling Series at The Life Change Group, written by Dr. Pam Wright, mental health expert. Why do couple yell at each other?

In the Beginning...

Yelling is rarely the first scene. In fact, most relationships usually start with loving words and optimistic promises (they don't call it the "honeymoon period" for nothing), but it's not uncommon for situations and relationships to ebb, flow and spiral. Some studies indicate that as little as 3% of married couples say they never argue so there is a lot of arguing going in America's household. Yelling, however is a step above the average argument. It is a behavior that can surface in the heat of the moment, escalate rapidly and has the potential to inflict traumatic consequences on everyone involved. Knowing all of that, why do we still decide to yell at our partners?

yelling as a married couple is very common and it happens more often than you think

How Often Do Couples Yell?

Studies show that yelling is very, very common - that doesn't necessarily make it right or OK, but the statistics show that it happens a lot. This chart from YouGov indicates that approximately 30% of U.S. couples have heated arguments at least once a week, and nearly 60%  at least once a month.

What's all the Fussing About?couples argue about different topics depending on their ages

Even more intriguing than how often, is why we yell. If this were an episode of Family Feud, the top answers should be fairly intuitive - money, attitude, chores, and in-laws are typically the four most common reasons. But the other top reasons might surprise you.

The interesting points to note from this YouGov chart is how the different argument topics vary by age group. Older American couples argue about tone of voice, communication styles and health more than younger Americans. Politics is the same across all demographics - none of us can agree on that subject (my advice - just steer clear of it altogether). Another interesting note is how older couples mellow over time on certain topics - attitude, friends, sex and jealousy all cause fewer fights as we age.

Steps that Partners Should Take to Disagree Properly 

There are probably an infinite reasons why partners yell at each other, but there are a few key steps that couples can take to prevent the escalations of simple disagreements to the potential trauma of verbal abuse and yelling.

  1. Stay calm or suggesting to talk later. This is WAY easier said than done, but it is the foundation to centering emotions and not fueling fiery discussions. When either partner is yelling, the natural, primal instinct to fight or flight will prevent either person from thinking rationally and grounding conversations in honest communication. If neither of you can regain composure, then it is often best to suggest pausing and walk way until things cool down.
  2. Establish ground rules for arguments. Talk when you are both calm to set ground rules, like no profanity, threats, or insults. Explain you will walk away if boundaries are crossed. Follow through consistently.
  3. Address feelings with feelings. Many times there are complex subtexts to why either partner is yelling, and it may not even really be about what both of you are actually yelling about. Typically there might be something that has triggered an irritation, and thus the yelling. The key is determining the trigger and then re-focusing the conversation to openly discuss the real, underlying issue(s).

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

92,100+ Time Out Hand Signal Stock Photos, Pictures ...I always teach my couples to determine who is the “distancer” and who is the “pursuer” in the relationship. The distancer needs time and space, often during or after a conflict, while the pursuer wants to figure out a solution immediately. I think of it as the distancer needs to take time to think or sleep on it, the pursuer can’t think about sleeping until things are settled. These couples have to learn to meet in the middle. I like for them to find a safe keyword or motion (like a football time out hand signal) when things get heated. But they MUST set a time to return and resolve the conflict. It doesn’t ever go away on its own!

Couples need to always come back to the relationship with each other and remember the "golden rule". Ideally you are the other's best friend, trusted partner and closest ally. With that comes a great responsibility to treat the other as you'd like to be treated - with respect - even if you're saying it loudly at the time.

What are the best phrases to use in an argument with your partner?

spinsight Couples Therapy, Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology ,
Marriage Counseling Series at The Life Change Group, written by Dr. Pam Wright, mental health expert. What are the best phrases to use during an argument with your partner

How to Argue with Your Partner

Couples therapy often involves partners with differing viewpoints. Sometimes these points of view can be relatively minor and other times they are grand canyon sized - massive differences. Many times in session my couples argue. If you're married, you argue. It's as certain as the waves crashing into the shore. I've also found that there is a right way to argue with your special someone and a wrong way. But I ran across this article from CNBC.com recently that posed an interesting question - what are the best phrases to use in an argument with your partner? The story put forth six concepts that would help arguments reach better and ultimately more successful endings, where you understand yourself and your partner a little more.

In the spirit of the article, I agree with some of these, but not so much with others. So let's take a look at what phrases you need to use in your next argument.

#1: "I Feel" Phrases

When you want to avoid blaming the other person and talk about how emotions are affecting you, use phrases that convey a sense "I'm feeling". These can include things like "it hurts me when you..." or "I feel attacked, can you rephrase that" or "that felt unfair". The idea is that you are expressing your emotions and impact the other person's words are having on you.

Famed personal coach to the stars, Tony Robbins says "studies have shown that I-statements reduce hostility and defensiveness and that you-statements can provoke anger. It conveys that even though your partner is not acting or speaking in the way you’d prefer, you are not blaming him or her for how you feel. When using I-statements, you take responsibility for the part you played in the disagreement and display the openness for deep listening and resolution." I have seen this work so effectively in my couples therapy sessions. Try these types of phrases and watch the reaction - with the right tone, it has the power to really defuse a tense situation quickly.

#2: "I Need to Calm Down" Phrases

This is another great way to turn down the temperature of a heated argument. The strategy should be to put space between the words and allow for thoughts to catch up and for both parties to listen and process. These types of phrases could include things like "I need for you to please listen" or "let me rephrase that?" or "can I have a hug?". Couples therapy is all about giving both partners a safe and equal space to understand and be understood, but to do that there needs to be a bit of a lull in the back-and-forth. Using phrases that attempt to calm yourself and your partner can aid in creating that space, or in the case of the request for a hug...closing that physical space with compassion.

#3: "I'm Sorry"

You knew that this one was going to be in the list of phrases to use to have a better argument. The old "I'm sorry" line can work as a good open or a good close. "I'm sorry, I misunderstood you" or "I see your point now, I'm sorry". The point is that you are owning up to a part of the misalignment, unrealistic expectation or whatever the issue. It is not a sign of weakness or concession. Quite the opposite. The power of "sorry" is incredible really. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, puts it this way, "Apologizing also helps us to realize how much impact we can have on another person. There is weight to our actions. If we have the power to hurt, we also have the power to take a step toward healing. And, when we apologize first, we open the door for the other person to meet us in that place of open communication. We lessen the shame for them. We acknowledge together that being on good, or at least neutral, terms is more important than winning." The power of a well-timed and heartfelt apology is worth it's weight in gold.

#4: "Stop Action"

In principle, I see why this one is on the list, but it has a significant downside. Stop action phrases as described in the CNBC.com article include things like "please let's stop for a while", "I might be wrong here" or "let's start all over again". I like the fact that we're incorporating some of the I feel and apologetic terminology in these. Claiming a need to take a break, creating mental and physical space is also super helpful to calm the situation. Those are all great reasons to use these types of phrases. However, in my couples therapy work, the idea of saying "let's start all over again" could come off as being very counter-productive. It might indicate you're disregarding the other person's time and investment in the discussion and relationship. You want to be careful to always validate your partner even though you might 100% disagree with the point of view.

#5: "Getting to Yes"

This is another one where I kind of want to agree with the overall sentiment, but there are parts of me that after having counseled couples for so long, I just shake my head. It's one of the key tenets in couples therapy - arguments are not always about getting to a yes. Still the phrases cited were things like "you're starting to convince me", "let's compromise here" and "what are your concerns?" I love the last example here because it shows the partner is not only listening, but he or she is listening with an intent to understand. "What are your concerns...tell me more...help me understand your point of view that I can better relate to you as my partner". That is an amazing mindset to have just in life, much less in the middle of an argument.

The compromise example is where I don't agree wholeheartedly. The adage is that marriage is about compromise, but in those situations both partners are losing. "I'll lose in a little as long as you also lose a little." Then you both lose. Why not aim for a situation where you both win? Trust me...it's much harder, but it's so worth it too. It gets back to listening with an intent to understand and being honest and open which may not always lead to an immediate yes on both sides. Psychology Today has a great article about getting to win-win and further explaining my point.

#6: "I appreciate"

Last but not least, this is a great phrase to use in your next argument with your partner. This is table stakes in all of my couples therapy work because it's about using words that mend the situation, build up the other person and strengthen the bond through affirmations. These phrases include "I love you" (who doesn't love to hear that one), "one thing I admire about you is..." and "that's fair, I see your point". All of these are fantastic examples of positive and uplifting thoughts that will help generate trust and an "in it together" mentality. It also proves that the relationship is bigger than the disagreement, and that the other person is more important than winning the argument.

As the author's say in their closing paragraph "what determines the success or failure of a relationship is how you each respond to the repair". Well said!

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

I really like using the “I feel___” statements in all types of communication. With family, friends, couples, etc.  Remember feelings are never wrong for that person, so we need to create a sense of understanding and explain how we feel as well.  Additionally, here’s a good technique I use with couples and families who never feel heard or can’t get their message across without being interrupted. Grab a pen, whoever is holding the pen gets to talk and then have the listener paraphrase back what the speaker said. Then the next person gets the pen. The only rule is that only the one with the pen can talk. Sounds a bit strange, but it can definitely be effective!

 

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

Mindful Eating in a Sometimes Mindless World

spinsight Counseling, Disordered Eating, Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology, Individual Therapy , ,
Mindful eating is not only about what you eat, but also about how you eat.

Is Mindful Eating a Healthy Habit?

Mindful eating might be the goal, but most of us are making mostly mindless food decisions. Did you know that the average person makes over 200 food-related decisions every day? Talk about a mind-boggling buffet of choices! 🤯 In fact, there is an entire industry designed to make all of these decisions even more complicated with attention-inducing packaging, promotions, advertising, and even the layout of grocery stores and websites. All of these unconscious choices add up to a lot of decisioning about food, but very little focus.

That's why so many people are talking these days about Mindful Eating. It's related to mindfulness, but while mindfulness is a broader practice of being present, mindful eating is the conscious act of nourishing your body and paying extra attention on the actual eating experience.

But First...a Disclaimer

And before we continue, I can already hear all the busy moms and dads saying "we don't have time to experience food…we just need to eat and move on to everything else". Mindful Eating doesn't require a complete re-imagining of eating, and it doesn't have to happen for every meal. Honestly, what I think you'll find is that it's a game-changer for stress reduction and cultivating a more positive relationship with food.

Let's dig into the some more of the details first.

What is Mindful Eating, Really?

Mindful eating is not just about what you eat, but how you eat it. It's about being fully present. Focus on the colors, textures, and flavors of your food. Turn off distractions, tune in, and lean in to each bite. Let me give you an example. Have you ever found yourself inhaling a bag of chips while binge-watching your favorite show? Me too (although my go-to is pretzels and humus). Now, imagine savoring each chip or pretzel, appreciating its crispiness, and truly enjoying the taste. That's mindful eating – turning a mindless snack into a mindful delight.

How Does it Work?mindful eating is the practice of exploring the feelings associated with eating healthy food

There are several different types of frameworks including the 3-4-4 Eating Method, and a variety of stepped processes. Harvard's School of Public Health outlined 7 steps but Dr. Susan Albers with USC's Arcadia Hospital synthesized it in just 4 easy steps. Try these at your next family meal:

  1. Sit Down: Give your meal the attention it deserves. The brain's responsibility is to tell you that it's hungry and seek out food. Instead of being critical with your food thoughts, thank your brain for trying to save you.
  2. Savor: Relish the flavors and textures.
  3. Sip Water: Stay hydrated; it enhances the mindful experience.
  4. Slow Down: Let the pace of your meal match the rhythm of your breath.

Final Thoughts, From Dr. Pam Wright

I will do an entire segment on mindful eating vs emotional eating in a future post. The takeaway here is that I truly believe being mindful, not just about HOW we eat, but WHAT we eat is important. There are a lot of tools and ways to listen to your body and determine your level of hunger-fullness.  Mindless and often times emotional eating is super problematic since we are not aware of what we eat. Have you ever watched an interesting movie or show and realized you ate way more than you intended? Being mindful helps to control this phenomena.  Be on the lookout for more mindfulness and body awareness tips coming soon!

#MindfulEating #NourishYourSoul #HealthyHabits 🌿💖

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

My Favorite Kindness Quotes

spinsight Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology
Kindness quote for the day: To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world. Quote from Dr. Seuss

What is the true meaning of kindness?

Kindness quotes are some of my favorites. Being kind is such a simple thing to do, but people don't always think to do it. Kindness goes beyond just being nice. It's about empathy, understanding, and genuine care for others. A kind person is someone who radiates positivity, fosters inclusivity, and seeks out others to help. They understand the power of their actions and strive to make the world a better place, one act of being kind at a time.

What does it mean to be kind?

Psychologists define it as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. We even break the quality down into three types:

  • Reactive - responding to someone's needs
  • Proactive - initiating acts of kindness
  • Routine - incorporating kindness into daily life.

But in practice, it's the magic that connects us all in a world that sometimes feels disconnected.

My Favorite Quotes

Here are a few of my favorite quotes. What are some of yours? Be sure and let us know in the comments.

kindness quote from Kahlil Gibran that says "the smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention"

kindness quote that says, "kindness begins with understanding we all struggle"

kindness quote that says, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will never forget how you made them feel"

Great Site to Check Out

There are several kindness quote sites. These are a few of my go-to favorites:

Remember, the power of kindness lies within each of us. Let's create a world where our children not only witness being kind, but become its ambassadors. 🚀✨

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

We all have stories of random acts of kindness, those we have done for others or those gifted to us by others. It feels good to be kind and to receive the same in return. But I love being the person to surprise someone with a kind deed, especially if that person has no idea where it came from. I think people equate kindness with monetary gifts, but it can come in the form of volunteering, a card, or a simple text to someone.  Always look for interesting ways to be kind to others.

#KindnessMatters #SpreadKindness #KindPeopleRule

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

Mental Health Trends for 2024

spinsight Dr. Pam Wright, General Psychology, Mental Health
Dr. Pam Wright discusses mental health and 2024 health trends

Was "Improve Mental Health" Your Resolution?

Mental health is still a hot topic in 2024. That phrase ranked #3 in Forbes' annual New Years' Resolutions survey where they interviewed more than 1,000 adults and asked about their top resolutions for the year. This year, the top spot shifted from mental health to physical health, with several other trends remaining in the top 10.

New Years Resolution results from the Forbes Health/OnePoll survey of 1,000 U.S. adults conducted in 2022 and 2023Here's an explanation.

The top 5 resolutions remain unchanged, but the order of importance has begun to shift after several years of mental health occupying the top spot. This doesn't diminish the importance of mental health. In fact, if anything, it signals the continued and inextricable link between mental health and fitness. According to the Forbes survey, "when respondents were asked whether improving mental or physical health was more important to them in the coming year, a whopping 55% said that these two goals are equally important."

Happy, Healthy and Wealthy

The one thing we so often see in our practice is that people try and focus on "the one thing" to become happier and improve their mental health. While it may be true that there's often a cadence of working on issues, there is rarely just one thing. Life is never that easy. The key is balance, but the hard part is finding out how to arrive at and maintain that state of equilibrium. The Journal of Positive Psychology found that individuals who are satisfied with their financial situations tend to experience higher levels of psychological well-being. Conversely, chronic stress from financial instability can lead to mental health challenges and even physical ailments. This interconnection emphasizes the need to approach happiness, health, and wealth holistically.

The Next Step is the First Step

At the time of this writing, it's the first part of February, and statistically over 43% of people have already broken their New Year's resolutions by the end of January. If you're in that boat, not to worry. I don't always commit to finishing mine either, but I also don't let that stop me from taking the time to refocus and recommit. This is how I counsel many of my clients in taking that next step. "Take that next step". It sounds trite, but it also frees your mind from having to worry about if it's necessarily the right step. The mere fact that you're moving forward can be a positive. Allow yourself the freedom to move and then adjust and make better decisions. This can apply to improving fitness, improving finances and improving your mental health. 💖✨

Final Thoughts, from Dr. Pam Wright

I stress to my clients the importance of finding balance. That is truly my mantra. I feel like so many people get into dichotomous (black and white) thinking. “I ate pizza today so now the entire day is a bust and I’m just going to overeat and start again tomorrow.”  “I lost my temper today. This calm app, deep breathing, journaling, (fill in the blank) will never work. I give up.”  Making change does not equate to striving for perfection. Remember, perfect is a dichotomy in itself, and isn’t real!  Instead, try to attend to your mental health, physical health, finances, relationships, etc. throughout your days and weeks. Maybe you didn’t make the gym today, but still did a 10 min walk. Every step in the right direction is an improvement. Stop aiming for “perfection” and “might as well start over” or you will never start.

Don't let perfect get in the way of progress. Change your mindset!

#LifeChange #WellBeing #BalanceIsKey

Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and mental health expert. She is the founder and owner of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga.Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.