Most Common Ways to Grieve

Grieve. It is a simple word packed with a complex and highly volatile set of emotions, behaviors and even cultural tendencies. There is no #1 or best way to grieve. As we've already discussed in this series on Grief Support, people grieve in very, very different ways and vastly individualized timetables. This is a list of twenty of the most common ways that I have seen and discussed with clients in my practice when dealing with grief. Since there isn't a single right way to grieve or cadence to follow, I've listed these alphabetically and it certainly doesn't constitute a complete list of ways to grieve.

Accept Your Emotions

Acknowledging and accepting your emotions is a vital step in the grieving process. Research by the American Psychological Association (APA) highlights that embracing emotions contributes to long-term psychological well-being. The study showed, "acceptance helps keep individuals from reacting to – and thus exacerbating – their negative mental experiences. Over time, experiencing lower negative emotion should promote psychological health." Authentically grieving involves allowing the full spectrum of emotions and emphasizes the importance of expressing grief openly, contributing to adaptive coping mechanisms. This is another reason why sending and receiving texts, messages and cards from friends and loved ones dealing with grief is so important.

Be Kind to Yourself

Self-compassion is key during grief. Research from the Journal of Positive Psychology indicates that individuals who practice self-kindness experience lower levels of stress and depression during the grieving process. This is so important - give yourself the space and freedom to grieve. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the study of self-compassion defines this practice as "being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, non-judgmental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience."

Be Patient

Grief doesn't follow a timetable or a consistent path to healing, and being patient with the process is crucial. The British Journal of Psychiatry notes that patience with oneself correlates with a more positive long-term adjustment to loss.

Eat Well

This might sound obvious, but maintaining a healthy diet supports physical and emotional health during grief. When we grieve, sometimes the most basic of habits and needs are put on the back burner while we focus on our grief. Research in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine suggests a correlation between nutrition and improved mood, helping individuals navigate the grieving process. For those providing grief support, this is another benefit for offering to prepare meals for families dealing with grief.

Exercise

Regular exercise has been linked to reduced symptoms of grief-related depression. The British Journal of Sports Medicine reports that physical activity positively influences mental health, promoting resilience in the face of loss. The 2019 study showed that physical activity reduced feelings of depression, anxiety and the experience of PTSD. Exercise also created a sense of freedom, enabling the expression of emotions, providing a distraction, and an escape from grief.

Journaling

Putting pen to paper can aid in processing emotions. The U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs cites studies showing that "writing about emotionally difficult events or feelings for just 20 minutes at a time over four consecutive days was associated with both short-term increases in physiological arousal and long-term decreases in health problems." Journaling is hugely popular in many avenues of therapy and counseling, but the related positive health affects during grieving are undeniable.

Reach Out to Others

Seeking support from friends and family is vital. The Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology reports that strong social connections are associated with better mental health outcomes in the face of grief and bereavement.

Sleep Well

Quality sleep is crucial for emotional regulation during grief. The journal Sleep emphasizes the bi-directional relationship between sleep quality and mental health, highlighting the importance of prioritizing rest. This works in the reverse too, according to a University of Arizona study. Those who have persistent trouble sleeping before grief, may have an especially difficult grieving process after the death of a loved one. Either way it underscores the need to focus on quality sleep as you grieve.

Understand Grief Affects Everybody Differently

Recognizing the universality of grief fosters empathy and connection. The Harvard Review of Psychiatry emphasizes that understanding the shared nature of grief reduces feelings of isolation and facilitates healthy coping. It's also about understanding the stages of grief and their interconnected impacts across everyone that is affected by a loss. But remember, the stages of grief aren’t linear and may not happen in the same order as the textbook indicates. Those stages are not a map but they provide some scaffolding for how the overall process happens.

Navigating grief is a unique journey for each individual. By incorporating these evidence-based strategies, individuals can find meaningful ways to cope, fostering resilience and promoting a healthier adaptation to loss. Remember, seeking professional guidance and connecting with supportive communities are integral aspects of the healing process.

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

As mentioned in the post about "What You Should Look For in a Grief Therapist" I talk with clients about the stages of grief. Helping a client to identify which stage of grief they are currently in, and working toward acceptance is important.  Those dealing with significant grief can find it hard to get out of bed, much less think about eating and exercise. However, taking a walk outside, eating with a friend, and focusing on your own physical health can be just as important as your mental health. For those supporting someone in grief, sometimes just sitting with them and saying, “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you and wanted to be here to support you” can be helpful. Asking for help can be particularly difficult for individuals, so it is best to let them know we are there to love and support them.

#GriefCounseling #GriefTherapyWorks #CopingWithLoss #GriefSupport

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Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

Messages to Send for Grief Support

Grief Support from a Distance

Grief support is a tricky subject because every instance is different and there really isn't a guidebook on how to grieve or even how to be a friend to someone who is grieving. Lisa Pahl, a Los Angeles-based hospice and end-of-life social worker, agrees. "Grief is very individualized, and many people don't necessarily go through stages and graduate out of it". Many times, we are supporting those who don't live near us or are difficult to meet face-to-face. In those instances, there are several ways to be supportive. With our increasingly digital world, one of those is messaging. Some people text, others DM or Snap. Whatever your platform of choice, messaging doesn't have to be impersonal. With the fluidity of instant messaging these days, it can be a very effective way to stay in touch and support friends and family dealing with grief. If you can't be there in person, I still think a personal, hand-written card is always the better option, if possible.

Grieving Fluctuations

Depending on the specific situation - the death of a family member, sickness, job loss, financial hardship or whatever - the key message to a grieving friend is not only what you say, but how often you say it. People dealing with grief are very rarely ever on a straight line to recovery. George Bonanno, a psychologist at Columbia University, notes that it's natural to switch between moments of sadness and grieving, and moments of acceptance and joy. “People who cope well with loss usually move in and out of those states. It’s OK to allow yourself to be distracted and entertained, and even to laugh.”

How to Create a Good Grief Support Message

There are a few do's and don'ts when messaging to support a friend or loved one dealing with grief. Given that, we're going to approach this using a "not this…but that" framework so we can understand the better ways to handling texting in these difficult situations. The idea came to me when reading this wonderful article on the same topic from the "Homesteaders Blog".

"Let Me Know if I Can Help"

This is another popular response that can be perceived as a kind of throw-away line. The better response would be to offer help with a specific task or just assume that it's alright to do something and confirm which day would be best to help. Something like "I'm making you dinner one day this week, would Tuesday or Wednesday be better?" This takes the guilt away from the person accepting help. It politely enforces that you're going to do something without a hollow promise that might happen. It also allows the person grieving to focus on dealing with his or her grief while you just take care of that proposed task. Following up with a simple "I'm coming by" can be a massive gesture.

"Everything Happens for a Reason"

Ugh. I'm not a fan of this one for a number of reasons. Depending on the specific situation, this could be downright insensitive. At best this text is more about making the sender feel better than the person dealing with the grief. I love the suggestion from the Homesteaders blog - "Sometimes we don’t know why things happen the way they do, but rest assured that the right people are brought into your life at the right time, and I’m here for you when you need me.” This is a more friendly way to reassure the person that you're going to be there. Its also shows empathy in that you too are unsure about the why of the circumstances, but you're there whenever he or she is ready.

"Just Give it Time"

While this generally holds to be true eventually, this a very sympathetic response that doesn't provide a lot of solace, empathy or compassion. It could open you up to making matters worse if you don't have the complete details about the grief. The authors at Empathy.com have a great alternative if the situation involves a death or losing a loved one. "I feel honored to have known ______." In this instance, this is a great text especially when followed up with a quick story about the impact that the person made on your life. Ask for a good time to come by and talk about stories or share memories of that person or the situation everyone is dealing with. Show compassion and empathize with the grieving person and their family.

Grief is a difficult period of life that everyone faces. The key is to lean in and be very intentional in your messages, follow up calls and other ways you connect. The important part is to reach out and show support instead of just the lip service or quick post comment.

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

There are a lot similar text messages that we can send our friends and family when they are grieving. The key is to demonstrate empathy and caring in whatever you say.  I had a friend that used do a lot of hospital visits for sick and ailing community members. I asked him, "you see dozens of families every week - how to know the right thing to say?" This was before texting became so commonplace, but I think the advice still holds true today. He said the key is to "show up and shut up". You don't need to necessarily say anything. Just the act of reaching out and reassuring them that you're there will mean more that whatever eloquent message - text, snap, DM or otherwise - you could deliver.

#GriefSupport #BestTextMessages #ShowUpAndShutUp

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Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.

What to Look For in a Grief Therapist

Grief Counselor or Therapist?

Grief Therapist or Grief Counselor - for some people there is a big difference. Famed psychological clinician and research William J. Worden wrote an entire essay in 1991 on the difference. Basically he believes that grief counselors help people work through uncomplicated and more typical grief processes within a reasonable time frame. However, grief therapy uses specialized techniques that help people with abnormal and/or complicated and prolonged grief reactions. For the purposes of this discussion, we're going to use them more interchangeably.

How Grief Therapy Works

The semantic differences withstanding, both titles indicate that your counselor or therapist has specific training in helping clients process the loss of a loved one, as well as leading clients through emotions such as sadness, anger, stress, and a sense of despair. Grief is a unique and personal journey, and seeking support is a courageous step towards healing. As a licensed psychologist, I want to shed light on how this process works and offer insights into finding the right path to healing.

How does a Grief Therapist help someone deal with grief?

The most important aspect of selecting a grief counselor or a grief therapist (again, I'll use those terms interchangeably) is that he or she has requisite experience to work through your particular grief as a therapist or counselor first. A skilled therapist provides a safe space for expression, using evidence-based techniques to guide individuals through the grieving process. From active listening to tailored coping strategies, therapists play a crucial role in fostering emotional well-being.

What kind of therapy is better for grief?

Research suggests that approaches like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are effective. Interpersonal Therapy, Traumatic Grief Therapy and Complicated Grief Therapy are also used. These therapies focus on thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, providing a holistic approach to healing. It is important to remember that there is no one or best therapeutic approach.

What is the antidote to grief?

While there's no magic cure, the antidote often lies in compassionate support, self-care, and the passage of time. A skilled therapist can guide you towards resilience and a renewed sense of purpose. Counselors at Bradley University put it best, "Grief can be present in a range of situations and can produce a wide variety of behaviors and emotions. For instance, while often typified by intense sadness, expressions of grief may also come in the form of guilt, rage, or confused relief."

What makes a good grief therapist?

Empathy, experience, and a deep understanding of the grieving process are key. A good grief therapist provides a non-judgmental space, helping clients navigate their unique journey at their own pace. The primary goal is not to erase the pain, but rather to support individuals in finding ways to integrate their loss into their lives, fostering adaptation and growth.

When should you seek out a grief counselor?

Consider seeking help if the pain of loss feels overwhelming, affecting your daily life and well-being. Grief counseling is beneficial at any stage of the grieving process. According to WebMD, grief symptoms can include:

• Intense sadness and emotional pain
• Feeling empty and hopeless
• Yearning to be reunited with your loved one
• Constantly thinking about the deceased person or how they died
• Difficulty engaging in happy memories of the lost person
• Avoiding anything that reminds you of the loved one
• A reduced sense of identity
• Detachment and isolation from friends and family
• Lack of desire to make plans or have interests

Grief is a journey, not a destination. If you or someone you know is navigating loss, my team and I are here to offer support.

Final Thoughts from Dr. Pam Wright

Grief is typically a portion of all types of therapy.  There are so many types of grief and loss. Not being able to do certain things, not having the relationship you desire, and not having support from others are all examples of grief. However, losing a friend or loved one can be a more difficult grief to process.  I often talk with clients about the original five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) which were developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. These were modified and expanded to add two additional stages: shock and testing. These stages are not linear, and can be cycled through in different orders. In my experience, helping clients identify and understand these various stages of grief, and using the counseling technique which helps them to process their emotions while providing coping has been most effective. 

#GriefCounseling #GriefTherapyWorks #MentalHealthMatters #CopingWithLoss #GriefSupport #YouAreNotAlone

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Dr. Pam Wright is a licensed psychologist and a mental health expert. She is the Founder and Director of The Life Change Group in Peachtree City, Ga. Her psychology practice is a team of therapists, counselors and psychologists offering a wide range of psychological testing and individual, couples and family counseling. Dr. Wright is also a co-host of the "Middle Age(ish)" podcast and has appeared on NBC in Atlanta.